IMPROMPTU SPEECH

             Great Impromptu Speech

Oratorical contests and certain classes will often ask for impromptu speeches to be made. With this guide, even those with the most absolute stage-fright will succeed.

1.   Get used to talking in front of other people. The truth is that even the most calm of speakers still shake when they get up there. Sitcom stars still get nervous on live episodes.

2.    Remember your audience. Always make eye-contact with them. Not only will this help the audience not fall asleep, but it will also make you more confident. If your eyes fall upon that one teenage boy who's goofing off and totally not listening, ignore him. If you can't look at their eyes, look at their foreheads.

3.   Try and get the audience involved. If you've ever had to listen to someone who mumbles through the whole thing, doesn't look up, and is just plain boring, you know how horrible that is. Try and get your audience pumped up.

4.   Try and twist your topic. If you get a topic about something that you can't relate to, try and morph it into something that's only vaguely related, but still related enough to make sense.

5.   Incorporate humor. Have a humor quotient! Make people laugh and they will automatically get involved . If you're not sure about your joke or if it's racist or can hurt someone's sentiments then stay away from it .

6.   If you're facing a more serious impromptu speech, you have to be confident about yourself. Chest out, back straight, eyes ahead. It will give you an air of significance and make you a little intimidating, as well.

Great Impromptu Speech About You

Okay, dudes, I’m not going to be harsh as I try to convince you we need Sparky removed from this group. I’m just going to present the facts.

Fact one. Sparky is 32 years of age—thirty freaking two—and he still lives with his parents. Can you believe that? This is a man who has acquired more community college credit than ten people combined, and he still lives with his parents. He’s a smart dude, obviously. Dumb people can’t figure out new sleep schedules to allow them to play more War of Worldcraft. The dude gets by on two hours of sleep every three days, he looks like a prince, and he’s in front of a computer for literal days at a stretch.

Fact two. Sparky is a snake. This sounds odd coming from a dude giving a formal speech about cutting him out, but he is. Let me tell you a story about something he did once: You know when I went for, like, a year without getting a callback about a job? Sparky hid something about me needing time off to care for my cats “as needed” in every resume and cover letter I sent. Once again, he’s a smart dude if he can get in my emails and change things around like that. On top of that, the call I did get was the job I have now…and my boss is a crazy cat lady. The only good thing is I was able to get time off to give this speech because I told her Mr. Snuffles was sick.

Fact three. Sparky steals our food. I went to the grocery the other day and, as usual, Sparky showed up two hours later. He always does that. That day, in fact, he said he couldn’t hang out long because DAVE was just getting back from the grocery. He was literally taking cans of food from my pantry and stuffing them into the little kangaroo pouch in his shirt as he told me this. Can you imagine the nerve that takes? You can’t be a normal human being and just, like, do stuff like that. And what’s awful is, if he knows it’s bad, he’s a jerk, but if he thinks it’s how normal people act, he’s a total freakin’ weirdo! Either way, he’s not the sort of dude we should associate ourselves or our common group as a brand with.

Final fact. You know how we all think it’s hilarious when Sparky calls to tell his dad on us? He’s totally not kidding. He is literally calling his father and narcing on us because we are being mean. I don’t need to remind you again that this is a 32-year-old man doing this. I haven’t told on someone in literally two decades. Just think about that.

Obviously, I’m just one dude in a bro quorum. I can’t dictate the justice our group doles out. That said, you’ll be seeing a lot less of me if we continue to let Sparky do his sociopathic BS to us. I love each of you as a group and separately, but it’ll mostly be solo hangs until he’s gone. It’s not a threat, bros. It’s an unfortunate promise.

I love you dudes. Make the right decision for all of us, okay?

Great Impromptu Political Speech

You know, I really hate to take the stage after my opponent and steal his thunder, but I really felt like I needed to set a few things straight after listening to his speech. For all the good points he makes—and Senator Dunderhead is a very smart man, don’t let me say otherwise—there are some…inaccuracies I believe may be intentional, in order to mislead you voters.

Let me make a couple points here:

1) I never, ever said I was in any way okay with Pleasantville dumping hedgehogs over on our side of the city boundaries. I won’t go as far as to say I hate hedgehogs—nobody needs that kind of political backlash—but I will say it’s easy to get annoyed with a bunch of wildlife when they don’t understand concepts like property ownership or traffic crossings. Even if you like hedgehogs, I know you don’t like being late to work!

2) I will, however, go on record to say that we should be getting compensation from the Pleasantvillians if we are going to be handing their hedgehog problems. Our unique ecosystem may allow the hedgehogs to flourish without getting in our way (as much), but that doesn’t mean they aren’t a strain on our resources. A good neighbor would work with its neighbors to solve a problem, not shovel that spiny, stinky problem over the border and say “Welp, you deal with it!”

3) Finally, I love Danville more than life itself. I love the people, I love the shops…I’ll spend the rest of my life here, if you’ll have me. That said, it’s neither evil nor hyperconservative to propose measures of dealing with what are, in essence, thousands of spine-covered rodents invading our town. They have nothing to offer because, lacking human thumbs and a prefrontal cortex capable of self awareness, hedgehogs are animals. If you have no problem with the hedgehogs complicating your life, by all means, take them in your home. Our town, however, has hedgehog-free things to do.

So, Senator Dunderhead, before you continue throwing baseless accusations out against an opponent who has, to this point, kept his campaign clean, you’d better think about what you’re saying. It’s my firm belief that logic and common sense win in Danville. If I’m right, spitting rhetoric isn’t going to get you anywhere.

I very much hope both my assumptions are correct. Thank you, folks, and have a great evening.